Flawed Part 1: Our Greatest Hopes, Our Worst Fears
by Brindabella
Summary: As Nick and Jen struggle to start their much longed for family, Jen is surprised by an unexpected visitor. Meanwhile Nick is handed an opportunity he is not sure he should accept
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 With Regrets  
>The invites had been sent out more than three weeks ago. The RSVP date had now passed. And Jennifer had heard back from all but the one person she wanted there the most.<br>She feared what his answer would be, and so put off making the phone call. She made excuses all day, until it finally came to knock off time and the entire floor of Homicide had emptied in mere minutes. She rolled a blue biro between her fingers nervously for a good five minutes before switching her procrastination to tapping the end of the pens brittle aging plastic casing against her desk. After several minutes of that paired with staring across the office at nothing, she at last picked up the phone and dialled. She knew Nick would be at the lifts at any moment. It was now and never.  
>"Detective Ryan speaking," came the familiar voice at the other end of the line a moment later. The reception was so clear that it felt like he was just in the next room – not on the other side of the country.<br>"Detective Mapplethorpe speaking," she copied with a tiny grin on her face that she couldn't hold back.  
>"Jen!" He sounded surprised.<br>"Haven't caught you at a bad time have I? Still having afternoon tea over there aren't you?" she laughed remembering the time difference that usually mucked phone calls like this up.  
>Matt chuckled too in reply. "No no," he answered. "But yeah, we've still got a few hours to put in here today."<br>She expected him to say more, but when he didn't, she felt forced to get on with the real reason she had called. But she still found herself drawing out and putting off the inevitable. "So how are you Matty?" she asked after him earnestly. It'd been quite a while since they'd last spoken, and the longer they always left it the more awkward it always became. And Jen knew it was no one's fault but her own.  
>"Oh you know, putting out fires all over the place," he answered – a line he had used several times during their phone conversations since he had moved to Arson.<br>Jennifer never had an answer for that one – she found she couldn't make jokes of feelings the way Matt could. He'd gotten so very good at it, and all she could ever do was laugh good naturedly.  
>But then he turned serious, flipping the conversation on its head. "I got your invite," he informed her quietly. Jen was well aware it was a big ask of Matt, but she still wanted him there, and to an extent – mostly because Jen wanted it so much – Nick did as well.<br>"Good," she enthused genuinely, mentally holding her breath.  
>"But I can't make it Jen," he explained, a hint of apologetic tentativeness in his voice. He knew full well this would be crushing news for her, and he felt guilty at letting her down.<br>"Oh." The single syllable was all she could muster. Her old biro suddenly began crumbling in the hand that wasn't holding the phone to her ear, and tiny shards of clear plastic slipped through her fingers, littering the desktop. She didn't know what else to say, even though she'd prepared herself for this response from him, and had even briefly rehearsed in her head what she might say in reply to it.  
>"I'm sorry Jen," he apologised. "It's just…works crazy and I have a seminar on that week and my car just died the other day…I just can't."<br>He could provide as many excuses as he liked but they both knew he was turning down the invitation because he wouldn't have been able to bear watching her marry Nick.  
>Despite her disappointment at not having one of her dearest friends at her own wedding, Jennifer understood, and even sympathised. She often wondered how he was doing way out west, in a city he didn't know very well and which just didn't have the same feeling as their beloved Melbourne did. He never spoke much about it, even though she always made a point of asking, one day hoping he'd open up and tell her what life was really like in Perth.<br>They said their goodbyes not long after that, and Jen gathered her trench from off the back of her chair. As she shrugged it on the lift gave its familiar – and so often annoying – persistent ding and opened its doors to reveal Nick. He stepped just out of the enclosure and leant on the door to keep it from closing again. Flashing a grin at her across the office, he beckoned her over with just a single look.  
>Jen didn't need much in the way of coaxing. As she approached, Nick frowned a little upon seeing her expression. "You okay?" he asked gently as she stepped up to him.<br>She left her disappointment back in the office, stepped into the lift beside him, reached an arm around his waist, cheekily slipping her hand into his back pocket and smiled before kissing him keenly on the lips. "Couldn't be better," she reassured him. Together they rode the lift down to street level and walked out into the dusky light of the early evening, trying to decide where to go to eat as they walked.  
>A week later, a little white RSVP card, 'with regrets' circled in the centre of it and signed by Matt, arrived in Nick and Jen's letter box.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Just the Two of Us

The forty eight hour countdown was on. Jennifer flew around the house, packing her bag and organising what she could for the next two days. She was running short of time as always and found it perplexing that Nick seemed to be having no such trouble with his preparations. Just when she was about to really lose her mind with stress, her mobile phone buzzed in the pocket of her jeans. She was tempted to ignore it as she had done all day, simply too busy to answer any such phone calls, especially ones from work, where she _was _on leave from for the next two weeks, but curiousity got the better of her, even in her flustered state, and she pulled the phone out to look at who the caller was.

"Matt!" she immediately bought the phone up to her ear and smiled, feeling her nerves and stress die down instantly. She was pleasantly surprised – he almost never called her. It was always her making the effort to keep in contact.

"Hey Jen," he greeted her quietly. There was something in his voice that made her walk out of the house and sit on the back patio, out of earshot of Nick.

"How are you mate?" she asked gently.

"Oh you know…" he began.

"…Putting out fires all over the place?" she finished for him, still smiling.

She could hear him laugh softly at the end of the phone line but he didn't say anything else.

"Are you ok Matt?" she asked worriedly, memories of their tough last year in Homicide together filling her brain again for the first time in a while.

"Yeah," he lied. "Just thinking about the bride to be…how's it all going?"

Bride to be. Now that was a name no one had called her yet. She liked it. But coming from Matt it sounded wistful and sad.

Despite it though she answered positively. "I'm good," she confided honestly. "Almost set now." Even though he'd broached the subject, she didn't really want to push it too far and talk about it too much with him. She tried to change the subject, hoping her 360 didn't sound too obvious. "How's Perth?"

Matt was sitting on the grass on the foreshore, looking out over the glittering Swan River. Its stunning relaxed beauty was wasted on him though and he knew it. All he could see was the picture that had been stuck in his head for days now – that of Jennifer in a white dress walking down the aisle towards Nick Buchanan.

"It's got nothing on Melbourne," he replied.

Jennifer nodded silently into the phone. Just as she had always expected – Perth was not home for Matt the way Melbourne was. She was dying to know what was really going on over there with him, but for the life of her didn't know how to pry the information out of him.

Fortunately he spilt it anyway, just a moment later. "I miss the old crew Jen," he admitted as he watched the sun set over the skyline before him. "The old days, when it was just us Four Musketeers..."

Jennifer smiled, remembering those happy, innocent times, before so much had changed in their lives. "I miss that too Matty," she assured him. "It's not the same without you here." It really wasn't. Even though she was happily with Nick now, and they were on the verge of getting married and had already been living together for several months, life at work was very different. In January, a mere month after the Etihad Stadium bombing, Matt had accepted a transfer to the Arson Squad – but not the one in Melbourne. He had picked a place that couldn't be further away from Jennifer if he'd tried. Perth was not only a good five hour flight away, it was also a vastly different policing world, one which she felt she had now lost Matt to. A week after Matt's departure Nick had been accepted into the Drug Squad and taken up a new position within days. She and Nick had agreed on this move – one of them simply had to move out of Homicide if their relationship was to continue, and Jennifer had been distraught at the thought of leaving the squad and the workplace she had loved from her very first day. And besides, Nick had volunteered to leave, if for nothing else than to show her how serious he was about keeping her in his life. So suddenly she was all alone in Homicide, deserted by her two leading men, but she had gotten used to it quickly. She had plenty to keep her busy. By June, just before she and Nick took the plunge and moved in together, she surprised everyone and sat her sargeants exam. Homicide had always challenged her – in a good way – and she wanted it to keep doing that, especially now that Nick and Matt were no longer part of the team she worked with everyday. She enjoyed the new role, and while it didn't completely stop her missing her two former colleagues, it helped. But yes, she had to admit that there were still days when she missed the Four Musketeers too.

They were quiet for a few moments, each lost in their reminiscing. It was Matt who eventually broke the silence. "I better let you go Jen," he would up unwillingly. He knew she'd have plenty to do, and didn't need him moping into her ear about old times. "Have a great day on Saturday."

Jennifer exhaled sadly, but tried to prep herself, and her voice, up. "Thanks Matty," she answered quietly.

"I'm sure you'll look beautiful. Nick's a lucky guy." He couldn't believe it had finally come to the time where he had no choice but to say this. He knew he had to be the bigger person about it. "Tell Nick congratulations from me…and Jen? Congratulations to you too." His last sentence was almost at a whisper.

Jennifer burrowed in closer to Nick, feeling the warmth of his body against her own. He was almost asleep, but this was when she found him the most serene. She didn't know what to say – she simply wanted to be close to him. In his daze he reached out an arm and gladly pulled her closely into his chest.

Here and now the moment's perfect

Perfect

Perfect


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Smitten

Nick pulled up outside Angela and Julian's house, honking the horn like a mad man, unable to contain his giddy excitement at seeing Jen and what the next day would bring.

As he pulled at the handbrake, the front door of the house burst open and Jen and Angela fell out onto the sheltered veranda, smiles all over their faces. As always Angela had a glass of champagne in her hand, and looked truly ecstatic to see him – but it was nothing like the look on Jen's face. He grabbed the bag she'd forgotten off the front seat and climbed out of the car, jogging across the lawn and up the veranda steps to his fiancée and her maid of honour.

"Hey," he whispered into her ear as he pulled Jen into his embrace. The smell of her perfume instantly clung to him and he breathed it in deeply as she replied, echoing his greeting. Their foreheads touched in the soft amber glow of the setting sun as they simply smiled at each other, too lost in one another to notice anything or anyone else around them and when he bent down to kiss her, she only melted further into his arms.

Angela stood at the doorway, her champagne flute being waved in the air as she beckoned Jen back inside. "Come onnnnnnnnn Jen, we've got so much to do!" she demanded jokingly. Jen's mind may have been on Nick right then, but Angela's was only on pedicures and cupcakes and rollers and gossip and the girly night she had planned. And of course, more champagne.

With one more kiss, Jen tore herself away from Nick and he lumped back down the stairs and onto the grass. As he opened the drivers door of his car he looked over his shoulder one more time at the woman he was about to marry. She was being bundled back inside by Angela, but before she closed the front door, she turned around a second after he did and grinned over at him. Their gazes met and just like that Nick's heart skipped a beat.

I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side

And when you turn to me and smile

It took my breath away

Every day he fell in love with her a little bit more.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 Next Christmas

Jennifer padded barefoot down the hallway struggling with a cardboard box full of Christmas decorations. The box was weak and falling apart after years of being shoved into the corners of wardrobes and even longer of having other boxes placed on top of it. It had almost reached the end of its life – but Jen was determined to not let the box break before she made it to the living room and could set it down.

She grasped at the edges of the box tightly as she increased her speed down the hallway. But when she came to the empty room at her right she stopped without even thinking about it. Leaning against the doorframe, she gazed at its empty expanse of space and smiled to herself. She and Nick had lived in this house for eighteen months now, and when they had bought it they had not spoken about what to do with this spare room, but Jen knew that they both were very well aware of what it would one day be. It was just a matter of when.

And today she was going to tell him that that time had come.

Nick grunted with the exertion of sawing at the stubbornly thick trunk. His forehead was a mess of lines that made up his frown and Jennifer saw the sweat pouring down his temples. The December sun beat down strongly on their backyard as Nick struggled to get the Christmas tree's trunk to fit into the plastic tube he'd fashioned and then into the waiting bucket of soil and bricks. It was no easy task, and Jennifer was glad she always left it up to him.

A moment later Nick threw down his saw and stepped closer to the workshop horses the tree was lying across. He delved his hands deep into the prickly needles and firmly gripped his hands around the middle of the trunk and hurled the large tree upright. Lifting it in to the bucket and setting it straight, he looked over at his wife. "Jen, will you hold it for me while I pack in the soil?" he asked, wiping the sweat from his face and accepting the drink she had bought outside for him.

She nodded and proceeded to spend the next half an hour holding up the tree in its pot as Nick compacted soil in around it. She spent the time in a slight daze, thinking over how she would break the news to him – the news he'd wanted to hear for so long, but had respectfully and tactfully not mentioned unless she had. The more she thought about it the more excited she got.

Finally he got up off his haunches and stood back and looked at their tree. "All righty, let it go," he instructed her. She stepped back and stood beside him and they both held their breath, cocked their heads to the side and waited for the tree to topple over.

It didn't.

Jen smiled at Nick and put an arm around his waist. She squinted up at him in the sunlight. "I don't know why people say you're useless," she teased.

He grinned back at her and put an arm around her shoulders and together they stood and admired their handiwork.

Three hours later the tree had taken pride of place in their living room and had been decorated into a frenzy with all the ornaments and lights that had been in the large crumbling box. The majority of the decorations were Jen's – she was a closet Christmas nut – but she liked how the tree still had a nice mixture of decorations from both their lives.

They sat back on the couch together, nursing a bottle of red wine between them and stared enchanted at the twinkling lights and glittering baubles. It was their third Christmas together, and Jennifer wondered if deep inside somewhere Nick knew the same way she did that it was time to have a Christmas that was not just the two of them.

"Nick," Jennifer murmured into his shoulder.

"Mmm?" came his relaxed reply.

"What do you think about there being three of us this time next year?" she ventured, trying to contain the smile that threatened to spill across her face.

Nick straightened up instantly and put down his glass of wine. He smiled tentatively at her, unsure of how far to go. "You know what I think about it," he replied quietly.

Jen nodded in response and let the smile come out. "It'd be nice if life was a little different next Christmas…" she admitted before leaning in to kiss him firmly on the lips, still grinning.

"Will it be?" Nick asked, slightly shocked, wondering if she was really trying to say what he'd long been hoping to hear. He raised his eyebrows at her and pulled the glass of wine from her hand, questioning whether she should be drinking it.

"I'm not pregnant Nick," she laughed quietly, grabbing her drink back from him. "But I think it's time we gave it a go," she said earnestly. They'd been married almost a year and a half now, and together in total for two years – the two years Jen had always placed in her mind as a hurdle they had to overcome before they even thought of doing anything else. But those two years had now passed and they were still rock solid. The fear that had plagued her for so long was now gone.

They were ready to have children. She was ready. He was ready. The time was right.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 Best Laid Plans

Two mornings later Nick and Jennifer sat at their kitchen table quietly reading the newspaper and eating breakfast. By just after seven Nick was gathering his belongings and getting ready to head out the door. The Drug Squad kept him a lot busier than Homicide ever had, and required even less sociable hours. Newly married, he disliked this aspect somewhat, but put up with it for Jennifer, and because he knew he had needed a break from Homicide after the undercover nightmare that had consumed them for too long.

He bent down to kiss Jennifer, who was still making her way through her breakfast, and waited patiently as she finished her mouthful of Weetbix, swallowed and wiped her mouth with a napkin. He squatted down beside her chair and smiled, putting one hand on her thigh and one on the back rung of her chair.

"We are ready to have kids aren't we?" he asked quietly, searching for reassurance.

She nodded in return, and smiled too. She'd never been more sure.

"It'd be nice…" he began, not sure how to explain what he wanted to divulge. "…to have something else to focus on. Drug Squad is getting a bit mundane for me lately," he admitted. It was only as he admitted this secret out loud that he realised how much it had been bothering him.

Jennifer nodded again, all too aware of what he was feeling. Years ago she had gotten a similar feeling when she had briefly been part of another department, and understood the need to find your work niche – a niche that ensured you loved and were keen to get to your job every single day. If you didn't have that feeling the work could be monotonous and very unenjoyable.

"Well no wagging today Detective Buchanan," Jennifer teased, standing up to put her bowl in the sink. "Babies don't happen overnight. Bring home your pay packet first." She grinned at him and revelled in the feeling of being so happy with someone and feeling certain that that happiness could only grow.

He grinned happily back at her and pulled her in for a kiss by the sink before heading out the door.

From their office, the two men watched Nick Buchanan work out in the common area of the Drug Squad headquarters. He was diligent and straight laced, reliable and had a never say die attitude. The ideal candidate.

"Did you know he's worked undercover before?" one said to the other.

The eyebrows of the other man arched high in surprise. "No?" he mused.

"He was part of that anti terrorism bust a few years back. You know, the one that didn't see Etihad Stadium come out so well."

The other man nodded knowingly. _Everyone_ remembered Etihad. Nick Buchanan had barely got out of that alive. But the fact that he did impressed the two men greatly.

"He'd be a risky choice," the first one pondered, frowning.

"But this'd be a totally different ball game. Nobody would know him. Hit men and gun runners know him – users and dealers don't. We may just be able to get away with it."

Nick hung over the counter of the burger joint as he waited for their order. Outside, Lee Brennan, an old colleague and even older friend who had been Nick's right hand man for much of the time he'd been at the Drug Squad, was scrounging under the seats of their work vehicle for the spare change they both knew always fell down there. They were two bucks short, and while some cops didn't have a problem with putting the lean on a shopkeeper to get the discount so often given to police officers, Nick and Lee were steadfastly against the practise, and refused to pay less than anyone else.

But if Lee didn't find those last two dollars they wouldn't be getting the two burgers with the lot that they had been hanging out for all afternoon. Nick looked desperately out the front window of the shop and to the car where Lee was foraging around, his backside in the air. Amused, Nick chuckled to himself and then grinned when Lee straightened up a moment later and triumphantly held a five dollar note in the air. It really was their lucky day – not just a few coins on the floor of a Drug Squad car, but a note! Lee jogged back into the shop and handed over the bill.

Minutes later the two men were back outside and settled against the side of the car, eagerly unwrapping their burgers and tucking in.

"So how's Jen?" Lee asked in a muffled tone, his mouth full. "You not sick of married life yet?" He grinned.

Nick shook his head vehemently in response. "No way," he replied, pulling the beetroot from his burger and flicking it into the bin that stood on the edge of the footpath. "I reckon we're only just getting started." He smiled, mostly to himself.

Lee elbowed him in his side, poking fun at the dreamy look on Nick's face. "Ease up," he demanded. "Just because you've got the beautiful wife and the perfect marriage doesn't mean you can rub it in!"

Nick flashed a smile at Lee. He knew nothing was ever perfect, but damn, he felt like life with Jen was pretty close to it. His heart swelled with pride as he reminded himself yet again of how happy he was with her and how lucky he was to be this way.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 One Night Only  
>A Friday night four and a half months later, Jennifer walked through the front door of their house and could immediately hear the sounds of someone in the kitchen, going ape with a knife and chopping board. She walked towards the activity and found Nick hovering between a wok and the bench top, stirring the contents of the pan and throwing more ingredients into it handful by handful as he'd chopped them.<br>It was a rare event for Nick to be home before she was and she silently thanked the Drug Squad heavy weights for letting him off the leash early for once. "What's cookin' good lookin'?" she asked, approaching him from behind and wrapping two arms around his torso.  
>He looked over his shoulder at her and smiled the smile that still made her melt even after all these years. "Just a stir fry," he murmured as she caught his lips in a brief but passionate greeting.<br>"Have I got time for a shower?" she asked, walking away and peeling off her jacket and running a hand through her hair.  
>Nick nodded into his wok. "Definitely," he answered her. "Fifteen minutes at least."<br>Jennifer gratefully made her way towards the bathroom, eager to rinse off the grit of her day.

Nick placed the steaming bowl in front of her, then turned back to the bench to turn off the wok and grab his own bowl. The strong smell of cashews and chicken and sweet soy sauce instantly clouded Jennifer's headspace and she closed her eyes for a second, trying to shake off the feeling the smell was giving her. Was it just her or was this the strongest smelling stir fry ever? She shook her head and picked up her fork anyway.  
>As Nick sat down he smiled at her before digging in eagerly to the rice dish. He was starving and was already thinking about second helpings. His mouth full, he looked back up at Jen opposite him and stopped mid chew at the pale look on her face. "Are you right?" he sputtered.<br>She took a deep breath in and turned her head away from her food and towards him. "Oh," she breathed. "I dunno…I just…I don't think I can eat this. I don't feel very good."  
>"But it's your favouri –" Nick began before realising at the exact moment she did.<br>They had been busy trying, but naively thought it would happen quite quickly, and when three months had passed and they had not had a visit from the stork, they had decided to keep trying but not focus on it as much. With both their jobs amping up since Christmas, this had been easy enough to do, and both had almost forgotten about any kind of family planning they had intended for the year.  
>But now suddenly the possibility came hurtling back in their direction. They looked at each other for a few moments, not speaking, until Jennifer had to close her eyes again as the unpleasant feeling again washed over her. She put a hand on the table top and did her best to breathe in and out in a steady rhythm.<br>Nick reached across and held her cheek in his large hand, stroking her soft skin with his thumb gently.  
>"Jen."<br>She didn't open her eyes until several seconds later, when she sprang up from her chair and darted for the sink, throwing her head over it and bringing up the sandwich she had eaten for lunch as well as the banana she had eaten mid afternoon.  
>An hour later, their dinner and the dirty dishes in the kitchen forgotten, Jennifer and Nick laid quietly in bed together and allowed themselves to relish the thought that maybe they were on their way to becoming parents.<br>Filled with excitement, Nick couldn't keep his hands off his wife, stroking her hair and running his hand up and down her arm as she lie sprawled on top of him in their dark bedroom.  
>"I'll get a test tomorrow," Jen whispered as they fell in to sleep not much later.<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 A Lack of Concentration  
>Nick had spent the last hour watching his colleagues work and getting very little of his own work done. He knew there was no use even trying though anyway. As if he could think about anything other than Jennifer today!<br>Just before lunch Nick finally gave in and put his phone right in the middle of the desk so that he couldn't possibly miss her call. For half an hour he kept one eye on his work and one eye on the phone, completely incapable of doing anything constructive until she called.  
>Suddenly he felt a shove at his shoulder and looked up in alarm. It was Lee, smiling stupidly at him. "Is that who you've been looking round the office for for the last two hours?" He cocked his head in the direction of the Drug Squad's entrance where Jennifer stood, leaning against the door frame, her arms folded across her chest, looking over at the pair.<br>Nick pushed out his chair in a hurry and walked over to her, covering the distance in record time, Lee looking on, bemused. As soon as he was close enough she reached for his hand and together they walked outside, away from the prying eyes of Nick's colleagues.  
>Nick walked at a quick pace with Jennifer, hoping to find a quiet little place that they could be alone, but she couldn't stand it any longer, and pulled at his hand to slow him down on the sidewalk not far from the entrance to the Drug Squad building.<br>"Nick! Nick!" she exclaimed, shaking. "Slow down!"  
>He halted immediately and turned to face her, holding both her hands in his, feeling the coolness of her wedding and engagement rings against his right palm. "So?" he asked eagerly, trying not to get his hopes up.<br>Her face transformed into a tentative, unsure grin. "We're going to have a baby," she told him, almost breathless. She bit her lip, never feeling as unsure about something as she did right then. It was suddenly so real.  
>But Nick was ecstatic and picked her up, spinning her round in a glorious moment of unrestrained happiness. She held onto his neck tightly as she laughed and shared in the moment with him, relieved and disbelieving. No longer something she was doing just to please Nick, Jennifer now wanted a family too, just as much, and her entire body reverberated with the joyous news.<p>

Just six weeks later her body reverberated again as their world came crashing down as it quickly became apparent that they had lost their baby. Jennifer lay huddled miserably in a hospital bed, Nick by her side, holding her hand, as they both tried to accept the crushing blow of Jennifer's miscarriage.  
>She had been pregnant just eight weeks.<p>

_"Don't even think about moving," he whispered.  
>Ignoring the order, Nick reached out and struck the shoulder of the balaclava wearing intruder, knocking him back into the bench behind Angela. He stumbled and lost his footing for a moment before regaining his balance and brandishing his gun menacingly in their direction.<em>  
>Nick's body jolted so violently that he woke himself up. He couldn't breathe, nor move.<br>That hadn't been how it had happened that day. He hadn't struck the intruder.  
>What's going on? Nick's sub conscious screamed at him silently. Has life reversed a few years? Do I have another chance? A chance to do what I should've done that day? His thoughts raced. Darkness surrounded him and he felt disorientated for seconds, minutes on end. He moved his eyes from side to side, not daring to move his head, nor any other part of his body.<br>Is this Angela's kitchen?  
>Next to him, Jennifer stirred awake. She'd been in a heavy sleep, just like the previous two nights. Their loss was still understandably heavy on her mind, and not having returned to work yet, she had spent much of her recovery time sleeping. She couldn't seem to get enough – always just wanting to close her eyes and sleep it all away.<br>But Nick's jolt had woken her – so violent was it. She turned over in the sheets and reached out to touch his arm that she couldn't see in the darkness was ramrod straight by his side, tensed and ready to strike.  
>She lay a few fingers on the space just below his elbow but upon the feeling he shook her off, disorientated and confused, and almost struck her in the face, not realising it was her beside him and they were in their own bed, in their own house, safe. Jennifer reeled back in shocked surprise and retreated into her pillow, hurt and rejected. "Nick!" she whispered in astonishment, keeping her distance.<br>He turned his head towards her with a vacant look in his eyes. As he stared at her the look quickly changed to one of relieved recognition. "Oh Jen…" he breathed hard, the terrified look on his face identical to the one he wore the day SIS burst into their bedroom at number eleven and mock held them at gun point.  
>It had never happened before, but Jennifer guessed correctly that his nightmare was about one thing in particular. What else would he be having a nightmare about? Apart from the fact they'd just lost a baby they'd longed for, there was nothing else wrong in their lives that would be the source of bad dreams. There was just one black mark in their past that had the power to do it – their time undercover. She crawled back over to him in the bed, and lifted up the doona to spread over his shoulder, bringing him in close to her underneath it. "It's ok," she whispered, feeling anything but. She soothed him like she knew a wife should, but she knew he'd have trouble falling back asleep.<br>An hour later as he finally began to release his muscles and let sleep take him over again, Jennifer whispered once more into the darkness. "We're never going back to that again," she stated, determined never again to be put in the danger undercover work entailed. Ever.  
>She looked at Nick across their pillows and couldn't help but notice when he didn't respond.<br>Hours later when the sun pierced Nick square in the eye through the bedroom curtains and forced him to wake up, he stretched gratefully, feeling a kind of soreness in his body that he'd never experienced before. Then he remembered the nightmare and knew it had caused the dull ache in his muscles. He looked over at Jennifer and noted with guilt the way her face was scrunched up sadly as she lay in a tight curled up ball of arms and legs, the doona only half covering her. Had he caused that in his terrified moments of confusion the night before, when he had been unable to tell the difference between reality and a dream? Or was it the loss they had just suffered, compounded by his own out of character actions as she slept beside him?

Two months later when Jennifer fell pregnant again, she and Nick were not so quick to let themselves get carried away with excitement. They agreed without discussing it that they should do nothing and say nothing until they had reached the three month mark. It seemed the sensible, safe thing to do.  
>So it wasn't until half way through the thirteenth week that they finally let themselves discuss their future. In bed late on a Wednesday, they each rested a hand on Jennifer's stomach and allowed themselves to let out the breath they had been apprehensively holding for three months.<br>"This is our next step Nick," Jennifer whispered into the dark to him.  
>He nodded back, overcome by the moment. It finally felt real, and he couldn't wait to start telling his friends and family. He wanted the whole world to share in their joy.<p>

But like a sickening repeat of history, at sixteen weeks they found themselves again struggling to cope with the grief that was hurled upon them following the loss of another baby. Jennifer found herself barely able to hang on to any sense of normalcy in their lives as the grief crippled her from head to foot.  
>She and Nick struggled through Christmas, devastated by the knowledge that just twelve months earlier they had been so sure that Christmas 2013 would be spent with a new baby. The season was less than festive as they numbly went through the motions of visiting friends and family, shopping for gifts, attending end of year break ups and decorating their house. It didn't seem worth the effort to Nick as he once again hacked at the trunk of a gorgeous pine tree that Jennifer usually so eagerly looked forward to decorating.<br>This year was different.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 Limits  
>The third time it happened, just a week before Easter the following year, Jennifer couldn't pretend any longer that she was ok about it – that she wasn't devastated right to her core. It had taken her such a long time to get to the point of being ready to be a mother and now that she was, she felt like with every loss their chances were slipping away.<br>She called Nick, but frustratingly only got his voicemail. He was always out and about somewhere with his new team, and so often hard to get a hold of. Most of the time she didn't mind. And she and Nick had had no indication that morning that anything was going to go wrong today. That was what was so cruel about it, Jen thought to herself – it came on so suddenly that you never had time to prepare for what was about to hit you with such force you wondered if you'd ever be able to function properly again. But today, oh how she wished he would've just been able to pick up that bloody phone and talk to her. Instead she left a short message in a voice she barely recognised as her own, and waited.  
>She sat numbly in the tiny examination room for so long that a nurse eventually had to ask her kindly to leave. Silently Jennifer collected her jacket and her bag and walked obediently out of the room and into the deserted hallway, still so shell shocked she couldn't even feel her feet on the ground. She wondered if this time she had lost a part of her soul too.<p>

The tone of her voice had confused him at first, and he had had to replay the message. It didn't sound like her. That was his first clue that something was wrong.  
>As he hurriedly exited the Drug Squad office and the sun fell out of the sky and behind the city buildings, Nick ran into Duncan. That was his second clue. "I haven't seen her since early this morning," Duncan replied when Nick pressed him for information.<br>Nick started running.  
>By the time he got to his car he was uncharacteristically sweaty for the season they were now blanketed in. His shirt felt uncomfortable and hot and as he sat himself in the drivers seat and pulled his door closed, the first thing he did after turning the key in the ignition was turn up the air conditioning system.<br>With anxiety he had felt way too much of in the past year, he drove quickly to the hospital she had said to go to. She had called hours ago – but he had been out on a bust, and like always, it hadn't gone to plan the way the team had anticipated, and had taken considerably longer than they had hoped. Drained of energy from the bust and fatigued simply from life lately, the last thing he had hoped to hear from Jennifer when he saw she had called was for him to come to the nearest women's hospital as soon as he could. He was almost shaking in his seat as he drove as the tension and the fear began to reach their limits within him. Mixed with the guilt he felt at having missed her phone call by more than three hours, he drove nervously to the hospital.  
>Upon entering the correct building, Nick saw her from quite a distance away, all the way up the other end of the hallway in the quiet hospital. She sat alone in her seat, an empty one either side of her, still wearing what he had come to think of as her Homicide 'uniform'. She looked beautiful, even in distress like she was right then. She'd let her hair grow out again in the past year, going back to the hairstyle she'd had not long after he had joined Homicide and Simon had left. It framed her face perfectly: delicate wisps of dark golden tresses that only just curled up at the ends. But today they could not hide the ashen look on her face. He'd seen the look before, so he knew the news wasn't going to be good.<br>When he was just a metre in front of her she finally looked up. In an instant tears welled in her eyes as they looked at each other, and she lurched up out of her seat and reached desperately for him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and hiding her distraught face in his shoulder. Her entire frame heaved up and down against his chest as she sobbed silently.  
>When she finally pulled away, her tear stained face was so upsetting that it painfully chipped off a little piece of Nick's own heart right there in the hallway. Jennifer pulled a ragged tissue out of her pocket and swiped it across her eyes, though it made little difference. "I couldn't go home by myself," she managed to get out, the tears still clinging to her eyelashes. Her sorrow laced her voice heavily and she felt defeated in his hold around her waist. "I just couldn't."<br>Nick nodded sadly and enveloped her again.

Later that night they sat up in bed together, holding each other silently. Nick tried to console her. "We'll try again," he whispered hoarsely into her hair, trying his best to hold back his own emotions, maintaining the knight in shining armour façade that he knew she needed. "We'll never give up."  
>Jennifer nodded into his chest wordlessly, but a few moments later he felt her tears wet his t-shirt. He pulled her in closer and she clung to him, distraught, and only cried harder. The pressure was beginning to build and as he cried with her, he wondered how much more of it they could take.<p>

A week later Jennifer walked out of her doctor's office unsure of how she felt. Was this advice more devastating than her previous entire week had been? Or was it a relief – a recommendation to stop trying for a while, to give her body a break, and to ease off on the emotional rollercoaster their lives had become?  
>When she got home it was almost 6pm, and she knew Nick wouldn't be home for at least another hour. She walked through the house, getting their dinner ingredients out of the fridge where she had placed them that morning to defrost, hanging her jacket in the closet just outside the living room, splashing her face with water in the bathroom by the back door. She dabbed at her face half-heartedly with a hand towel and then made her way down the hallway towards the bedroom she shared with Nick, suddenly so eager to just lie down. As she passed the spare, empty bedroom, she reached into the doorway and pulled the door closed firmly without a second glance. Previously she had always walked past the room and imagined what would one day soon be in there – in fact she had imagined that right up until last week. Now she just wanted to keep the door closed until the right time eventually came – if it ever did – to open it again.<br>Jennifer heard when Nick's car pulled into the driveway and when he shoved his key into the front door. She listened as he walked into the kitchen and dropped his keys and phone on the bench by the fridge where he always kept them, and then as he walked softly down the hall towards her.  
>At the doorway he stopped and smiled lovingly at her in the dim room. They had been dealt too many cruel blows in the last year or so, but it had done nothing to quell his love for this woman. If anything, the strength and resolve she showed, her defiant courage and heartfelt efforts, made him love her all the more.<p>

For you I'd do anything  
>In my dreams you were perfect<br>When I woke up you were perfect

He eased himself down onto the bed to lie facing her. He slipped a hand under the pillow exactly as she had opposite and they looked at each other. "How was your appointment?" he asked gently.  
>She gave a tiny shrug. "She said we should stop trying for a while Nick," she whispered.<br>Nick frowned, not expecting to hear such an instruction. He wanted to ask a million questions, but couldn't find the words.  
>Luckily Jennifer could tell this, just by studying his expression. She reached her free hand out to him, grappling sensitively on the bedspread for his hand to hold. When she found it, their fingers instantly interlaced but Nick's expression worsened, crumbling further.<br>She squeezed his hand. "We've just got to give it a rest for a bit," she explained despondently .  
>Nick struggled to keep his emotions in check as he took in this new piece of news. He clenched his teeth, causing his jaw to tense and become stone like the way it always did when he struggled to grasp a concept. He squeezed Jennifer's hand back as the frown creased his face further than it ever had before. He could do nothing but stare at her, shattered.<br>Jennifer moved across the bedspread to be closer to him. "There's nothing we can do Nick," she continued to whisper. "It's out of our control." Her last sentence hit them both like a brick and she leant forward to hug him, slipping her arm under his armpit and settling her hand across his shoulder blades.  
>His sorrow froze him in her embrace and they laid there silently for several minutes. Eventually Jennifer broke the silence and whispered into his shoulder.<br>"What is it Nick?"  
>He rested, upset, against her hug. "I feel like we've failed," he admitted miserably.<p>

Don't change a thing  
>Cos you're perfect<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 Simply A Suggestion

Six months later Nick reached his lowest point. He no longer felt invigorated by his work, always thinking in grams and kilograms, tastes and samples, pure or diluted. It simply held no appeal to him anymore.

At home, life was not much better. Unable to stop blaming himself for their failure to conceive, he often didn't even realise how much he was distancing Jennifer from what he was really thinking. Their marriage was still strong, but a lonely, empty gap hung like a bad smell between them where a child should have been. Nick couldn't help but rue their bad luck almost daily. Almost two years of trying and nothing. Nothing but a torturous series of miscarriages, false hopes and short lived excitement. He found it momentously difficult to see the glass half full.

On his way out of the office one afternoon feeling glum as always, Nick barely took his eyes off the ugly grey carpet that lined the hallways of the Drug Squad. He only lifted his line of vision when he reached the exit and as he pulled open the heavy glass door and stepped out into the afternoon wind he was shocked to pass Jeremy Burns. The two men made eye contact, but when Jeremy didn't acknowledge Nick, Nick didn't acknowledge Jeremy. They both walked on, in opposite directions.

As Nick drove home he brain battled between the two major thoughts that had kept him busy all day. One of course was his near run in with Jeremy Burns, which had only presented itself moments earlier. The other had been on his mind for weeks in fact, but only today had it been at the forefront, because today it was going to go from simply a thought to a full blown suggestion to Jennifer when he got home. To say he was nervous was an understatement, even though he had no logical reason to feel nervous when confiding in the most important person in his life.

Jennifer's reaction was what he expected. She was incredibly weary .

They sat on the couch together, legs curled up underneath them, arms entwined. Nick held her left hand in his and drew swirling little patterns on her skin with his fingers, breezing over the delicate bones on the top of her hand and the soft creases of her knuckles on each of her fingers. They sat quietly until she thought up her response to his proposition.

"IVF?" she asked again, frowning. IVF seemed almost like an admittance of defeat, of the failure she and Nick too often concentrated on and wallowed unhappily in. Like they had failed to conceive naturally and now needed medical help. It was hard to feel good about admitting they needed such assistance. Wasn't starting a family supposed to be the easiest and happiest thing in the world?

Nick had a pleading look in his eyes, and just one glimpse of it told Jennifer that he was on his last hope. If she were honest with herself she probably was too, but IVF had not crossed her mind until he'd said it. She knew they had the money for it, and they certainly still wanted to have children – all their losses had cemented their desire for a family of their own - but she was not sure if they were, physically and mentally, prepared for it, even though they'd had a long lay off, as per the doctors orders.

"I don't know Nick," she admitted. "Could we really handle something like that?"

She was so unsure.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 Home Soil

A fortnight later Stanley Wolfe loomed over Jennifer's desk. "Oh come on Sarge," she whined quietly. "It's not even 10am!" She laughed and looked up at him. The huge amount of work coming her way these days was incredible, and she had become used to Stanley's frame posing a threatening shadow over her desk whenever Homicide was under the pump to get things done. She knew he only loomed when he needed a report, or a file, or a result from her. He didn't even need to open his mouth anymore. She would just rush through another report or hurry through a team meeting, working to the Wolfe timepiece.

A rare friendly, smiling face looked back at her as Stanley replied. "Calm yourself Detective," he soothed, taking off his glasses as he stood at her shoulder. "I just came by to tell you that help is on its way. The extra member they've been promising for months is starting today. A sergeant."

"Really?" Jennifer sat back in her chair, folded her arms and looked at Stanley in disbelief. She had been begging for another pair of hands for the best part of a year, but had always felt like her pleas were going ignored.

Stanley nodded, still smiling. He made his way back into the privacy of his office. "He'll be here at eleven."

Jennifer smiled, thrilled at the thought of some extra help coming her way, and the chance to let someone else delegate and run the team alongside her finally. She allowed herself to have a few moments to speculate over who it might be and what they might be like before she buried her head back into her paperwork again, determined to get as much done as possible before the new member arrived, so it didn't look completely like she was in struggle town with her position. She wanted to make a good first impression.

In just sixty minutes, Homicide had completely turned on its head, going from a peaceful office where just the sound of keyboards typing and quiet conversations amongst pairs of detectives broke the sound barrier to a place of chaos, with phones running off the hook, drawers being slammed, and far too many people milling about in a hurry. It was a madhouse, and made Jennifer completely forget all about the new member arriving. It wasn't until she finally had two minutes to herself to go into the kitchen and make a coffee that Stanley's promise came back into her head. She stirred her coffee and smiled to herself, feeling the relief a new member would bring before he'd even arrived.

"Jen?"

She spun around at the sound of such a familiar voice.

Matt stood in a relaxed pose at the doorway, his hands in the pockets of his pants, his elbows pushing back the tails of his long overcoat. He leant against the door and smiled a smile she had never seen from him in all the time she'd known him.

"Matt!" she almost squealed, so genuinely pleased to see him. She rushed over and threw her arms around him a lot more eagerly than either of them expected. But he gladly wrapped his arms around her too and picked her up in an earnest hug.

When he put her down she rested her hands on his forearms, still infinitely close to him. But it didn't feel weird - in fact she suddenly felt good for the first time in weeks. "What brings you to this neck of the woods?" she asked, unable to get the grin off her face.

He was almost bursting with the news. "I'm back on home soil Jen," he informed her. "Back in Melbourne. Back in Homicide. Back for good." He waited eagerly for her reaction.

"You're my new member?" Jennifer was incredulous.

Matt nodded happily, feeling such a sense of home envelope him already. He wasn't just happy to be back. He was thrilled. Perth had been all right while it lasted, and it had done the job for him personally that he'd needed it to, but now it was time to go home. Back to Melbourne, where he belonged. This was where he truly fitted in – now that he was a more capable sergeant, thanks to a few solid years spent honing the skill at Arson in Perth, and now that he had finally gotten over his crush on Jennifer and his grief over the discovery of his mother's body and Emma's departure from his life. He'd sorted a lot out while he'd been away, and was ready to be part of Homicide again. He'd flown back into Melbourne with a clear head and a spring in his step. All he'd needed was time.

Country roads

Take me home

To the place I belong


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 Jennifer Buchanan

Matt and Jennifer kept catching each others eyes across the office for the rest of the day as Matt settled back in to the familiar working space again. Every time they made eye contact each smiled, ecstatic to be working together once more. Stanley watched the interaction from inside his office and knew he'd made the right decision when he had fast tracked Matt's application upstairs two months earlier. He had observed Jennifer and Matt working together flawlessly for years, and knew that if he made them a team again, the same would happen. He had complete confidence in it. They were now both sargeants, and upstairs had agreed with him when he'd insisted they'd make a perfect pair within Homicide's ranks. They simply complimented each other perfectly when it came to police work.

It was almost six when Jennifer finally began to think about heading home, feeling the pull to the fresh air outside the office. As she finished off what she'd been typing and began closing down the pages on her laptop, Matt sauntered over to her desk and perched himself on the side of it. "Heading off?" he asked.

Jennifer nodded eagerly in reply and began gathering her possessions together. Standing up, she slipped her arms through the sleeves of her trench and rolled her eyes. "Yes," she answered smiling dramatically. "Get me out of here! Just anywhere but here!"

"I thought you'd be long gone by now anyway – don't you have a husband to go home to?" Matt joked. He could keep the smile on his face nowadays when he mentioned Nick. There'd been a long period where he hadn't been able to, but he'd had long enough to accept that Nick was married to Jen now, and that they had been together for several years. He no longer felt sad at all his missed opportunities with her. Life went on, and he had finally, finally convinced himself of that. And the very day that he had, things had turned around for him.

She smiled back and slung her handbag over her shoulder, throwing things into it as she did so. "Yeah," she replied, doing up her jacket. "But not tonight." She jiggled her mobile phone in her hand. "He sent me a text this arvo – he's got to stay back a bit tonight."

Matt studied her face but couldn't work out if she was sad or genuinely didn't mind that Nick's work in the Drug Squad meant that he kept horrible hours. So instead he just nodded in recognition and watched her put everything she needed into her hand bag. She began to frown as her eyes searched the desk and the floor around it for her ID tag.

Matt shuffled at his spot on her desk and pulled out the tag he'd been sitting on. He stared at the photo and then at the name before handing it over to her. "I can't get used to calling you Jennifer Buchanan," he admitted.

She smiled. Her name change was something she'd gotten used to a long time ago, and she liked it now. It was just one part of her new life. "Want to get some dinner?" she inquired as they walked towards the lift together.

They sat comfortably in a small but enchanting little bistro a few blocks away from the Homicide building. It had been a place where they had often come with Simon and Duncan, back when it was just the four of them – the Four Musketeers – and it felt good to be back there. Comfortable. Easy. Familiar.

Jennifer browsed the menu, having trouble deciding what to order. Opposite her Matt was having no such trouble and beckoned the waitress over.

"I'll have the chicken parm please," he said politely, handing his folded menu back to the girl. "And Jen'll have…" he looked at her questioningly.

She snapped down her menu and smiled at the waitress. "The same."

"And two beers thanks," Matt finished.

Jennifer drew in a sharp breath and quickly altered the order. "Oh nah, just a juice for me actually thanks."

The waitress nodded. "Two chicken parms, one beer, one juice," she tucked their menus under her arm. "Won't be long."

As she walked away Matt turned to Jen, puzzled. "Juice?" he was surprised. "You're not a cop if you don't drink beer Jen!"

She smiled a small smile back at him, trying to see the lighter side of it. She found herself struggling to find the right words to tell Matt why she'd given up alcohol.

"Jen?" Matt looked at her closer, his face suddenly serious, his jovial comment forgotten.

Embarrassed, Jen exhaled and couldn't quite meet his eyes. "Nick and I are…we're trying to have a baby," she quietly informed him, frowning sadly. The volume of her voice suddenly dropped even lower. "And we've had a few…" she hesitated, unsure of what word to use. Failures? Problems? Issues? "…letdowns." It was the least crushing word she could think of. It wasn't nearly as harsh as 'failure' was anyway. "And I'm just trying to do everything I can to ensure the process goes smoothly." The last part of her sentence sounded almost scientific and cold, but it was an accurate explanation of why she was drinking juice and not beer. She _was _doing everything she could think of to try and get them a little success in that field.

Matt nodded solemnly in understanding, knowing not to push the issue any further. He felt mightily embarrassed that he'd already pushed it as far as he had, even though he'd not known any better. But the look on her face and the tone of her voice didn't leave him unaffected.

Silence hung in the air between them for a moment until Matt reached across the table and put a hand comfortingly over hers. He said nothing, but the gesture immediately was more than enough to put Jen at ease. Jen didn't want to discuss her and Nick's fertility struggles with Matt – it was their private business and telling too many other people about it would just make it more real and more devastating and that was the last thing Jen wanted.

She flashed him a grateful smile. "I've missed you Matty," she whispered earnestly. Having him back was such a welcome distraction for her – something else to concentrate on a while.

Matt smiled back at her and Jennifer saw for the first time the Matt she remembered and the Matt she'd missed. When their meals arrived a little while later they easily fell into a familiar, matey banter that continued for the rest of the evening as Matt continually admitted how pleased he was to be back.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 The Proposition

Nick knew it wouldn't be long before he came across Jeremy Burns again. Their passing out the front of the police complex had only been the beginning – a precursor to future happenings. So when he was called into the office of his superiors the same afternoon Jennifer and Matt headed out for their catch up dinner, he texted his wife hurriedly before he left his desk to fulfil the request, knowing he would not be home at the usual time that night.

Nick approached the closed office door with trepidation, slowing as he got closer. He could see several people inside, but only recognised a few. Knocking lightly on the blue laminate door that bore the name of the head of the Drug Squad, Tony Eastough, Nick turned the handle and stepped inside.

Four men looked up as he entered, all wearing sullen, serious expressions. Only Tony Eastough surrendered a half hearted smile when he laid eyes on Nick. He and Nick had never been bosom buddies, but they worked well enough together. Everyone else in the Drug Squad had been keen to snaffle an officer of Nick's calibre when he'd first expressed an interest in joining their team, but Tony had been sceptical of a Homicide detective being of any use to the Drug Squad. But Nick had given him no good reason to transfer him back, so they tolerated each other. Still, of late it had been observed by several members of the team (who had previously sung Nick's praises to Tony) Nick's waning interest in his work, and his distraction on the job. Tony recognised easily the symptoms Nick was portraying. It was a classic case of burn out, fuelled not only by boredom in your unit but problems at home. It happened to every copper at one time or another in their career. Nick needed a shake up – something new to get the sparkle back in his eyes. "Detective Buchanan," Tony greeted a solemn Nick, who eyed Jeremy Burns in the corner of the room with a kind of cold hearted disdain he seldom showed in the office.

Tony gestured to the chair in front of his desk and Nick took a seat, only nodding in response to the greeting from his superior. Burns and the other two men in the room didn't move from their positions as Tony began to speak.

"Nick," he began, leaning back in his chair with a cocky 'I've got a higher rank than you do' look on his face that he must've copied directly from Terry Jarvis. "I've noticed you not living up to expectations on the beat lately," he started bluntly.

Nick frowned, not expecting criticism in a job he felt he was doing perfectly fine.

"Don't take offence, but your kind of attitude is not the type we need here at the Drug Squad."

Nick leaned forward in his chair and frowned further. He most certainly would take offence to that. More than that, he was insulted. "Excuse me?" he implored, his voice heated.

"It's ok Buchanan, it's all right, calm down," Tony insisted, leaning forward also. "You're not doing a poor job. I just think you need a bit of a…hiatus from the day to day we do here."

"So?" Nick asked, already weary, but cooling down as quickly as he had heated up.

"So we've got a proposition for you." Tony Eastough could make anything sound intriguing, and Nick wanted to listen.

"What kind of proposition?" came Nick's obvious response.

"Undercover work, right in the guts of it," he explained. "Users, dealers, suppliers, pros, bouncers, steroid junkies, the works. This is a new initiative. We're branching out. Flushing out the good from the bad. We need people deeper in the underworld to do that."

Nick was stunned. This had not been what he'd been expecting. He sooner would've expected to be asked to leave the Drug Squad and go back to Homicide before he'd be asked to go undercover again. He was speechless.

"If you accept, you should know it's not going to be an easy assignment. And there really is no time frame. It could be a few months, it could be a few years. But Nick, I know you need something like this. Something to make you feel alive again." Tony spoke honestly and earnestly. And Nick knew he was dead on. He _did_ need something to make him feel alive again.

Tony continued. "And the work will likely vary greatly. Sometimes it won't just be the junkies and the dealers you're working with. We all know corruption in this state still exists. The Drug Squad and SIS are about to form a partnership that will be our contribution to stamping out the bent blokes in this job. Do you understand what I'm saying Nick?" Tony asked his question with grave seriousness.

Nick nodded numbly. "Why me?"

Finally one of the other men in the room spoke. He glanced over at Jeremy before turning to Nick. "We're well aware of your past undercover work Detective," he said. "It was very impressive. And even though it mightn't have seemed like it, we did take notice, and we did appreciate your efforts last time. We think you could be a valuable addition to our team again."

The unforgivable let downs that had happened last time he and Jennifer were undercover all suddenly came flooding back. The way they felt they couldn't trust anybody within SIS. The way they were abandoned when they needed help the most. The way the only people that gave a stuff were their colleagues at Homicide. Did he really want to go back to that nightmare?

Before he could think any more about it, Jeremy stepped in.

"We're keen too, to have Jennifer join you – this assignment would look a lot more credible if you had a 'handbag' of sorts by your side," he explained, trying to hold back the wince in his voice. He knew neither would be very keen at his idea.

And he was right. Nick aggressively shook his head. "No," he said steadfastly. "I won't have our lives put in that kind of danger again. Jen would never do it anyway."

Tony raised his eyebrows at Nick. "Are you sure? Have you asked her?"

Nick folded his arms and rested them on Tony's desk, looking at the men in front of him. "No," he replied. "But I know my wife. She wouldn't be prepared to take the risk. And I don't know if I would either."

Disappointment shadowed all of the men's faces. They had not expected him to be so against their proposition so quickly.

One of the SIS men Nick didn't know spoke up rudely, not prepared to have their idea go down like such a lead balloon so quickly. "Why not?" he demanded, looking at Nick with a frown. "You two don't have any kids do you? You'd be working together, so it's not like you wouldn't ever see each other. What's the problem?"

Nick was angry and for a second didn't know how to respond. Finally he said, through gritted teeth, his answer. "No we don't have any children, but that's not the point. We didn't have a good experience last time." He tried to hide the hurt he knew was probably showing all over his face from the cold hearted comment about he and Jen still not being parents.

But Tony was defiant – he wanted Nick out of his hair for a while and new blood injected into his team as a replacement. "Ask her Buchanan, and get back to us. Or at least consider it for yourself," he pleaded. "You're the one we really want. We know you could kick this in the balls if you gave it a shot."

Nick got up out of his chair and walked to the door, ending the meeting whether Tony and SIS were ready to or not. "No promises Tony," he reasoned, ignoring all the other occupants in the room. "I'll think about it."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13 Those Who Dare  
>Jennifer returned home later that night feeling light on her feet and with a much clearer head than she had begun the day with. She and Matt had talked earnestly for hours over their chicken parms and it had worked like therapy for Jen. She happily walked through the front door, eager to see her husband and fall into bed with him.<br>Nick was waiting in the bedroom, lying atop the covers. His hands were linked behind his head and his shoes were off. He'd spent the last hour as he waited for her to return home trying to think of a good way to broach Tony's suggestion. Nothing had come to him. He decided he'd just have to wing it.  
>Jennifer beamed at him as she walked into the bedroom. "Hey," she whispered. The heart fluttering rush they both still felt when in close proximity to each other was still as strong as it had been the day they'd married, and as Jennifer crawled onto the bed beside Nick she breathed out a contented sigh as she leant down to kiss him.<br>His breathlessly in love greeting was as devoted as hers was. "Hey." He cupped her cheek in his hand as they kissed and as she settled down beside him he turned onto his side to face her, propping up his head with his hand. He liked that they still had not lost that fluttery feeling – he hoped they never lost it, because it felt so amazing he wondered how he'd ever lived without it before her.  
>"How was your day?" she asked quietly, shuffling slightly beside him as she used her feet to kick off each shoe. They thumped to the floor at the end of the bed, immediately forgotten.<br>Nick saw no point in beating around the bush. "I met with Jeremy Burns today," he blurted out.  
>Jennifer stiffened in surprise. She looked at him solemnly, feeling her good mood slip away like a broken egg down the side of the kitchen cupboards.<br>Nick continued. "He and Tony had a proposition for me," he ventured, not at all ignorant of her stiffening.  
>"Do I really want to hear this?" she asked wearily, sitting up a bit more.<br>"They want me to go back undercover Jen," he explained slowly. "And they want you to come with me."  
>"What." She didn't even say it like a question, or with exclamation. Just dead disbelief.<br>Nick had anticipated this reaction and ran a soothing hand up her arm, wondering what he could do to hose down the situation.  
>"I told them you wouldn't be interested," he replied. "I'm not even sure I am to be honest."<br>"But you're considering it?" she asked, astonished.  
>Nick shrugged. A part of him actually was. Tony had been right – he needed to feel alive again, and Nick remembered well the feeling of adrenalin that had pulsed through his veins whenever he had been undercover. Sometimes it was a good adrenalin, sometimes it was a bad adrenalin, but it was adrenalin all the same, and it had been missing from his life for far too long now. And although he sometimes struggled to admit it, he knew adrenalin made him feel invincible. Would he risk everything by going back undercover just to regain that feeling of invincibility he so craved?<br>"There's nothing quite like living life on the edge," he admitted to her in the soft light of their bedroom. "Heart stopping moment to heart stopping moment." He remembered it well from last time, even though so often last time things had not gone to plan. He shrugged at her again, admitting his honest feelings. "It makes me feel alive Jen."  
>She didn't know what to say to that. Had she married an adrenalin junkie? One not able to tell safe from stupid?<br>"But what about…us?" she asked sadly. "I thought you wanted to start a family?" Why had she been killing herself trying to get pregnant for the last two years if he suddenly wanted to go back undercover and put his life on the line? She couldn't believe it. This had not been the plan. "How could we possibly do that if we're always working undercover, pretending to be somebody else, no real schedule, danger stalking us wherever we go?"  
>He hugged her tightly and responded earnestly to her questions. "Don't think I'm not agonising over this Jen," he assured her. "But…I just want to feel useful again…good at something again."<br>Jennifer softened in his hold, then fully understanding the extent to which Nick blamed himself for their inability to have children. "I know," she whispered.  
>They sat silently for a few moments before Jennifer spoke up again. "But I'm not willing to go undercover again Nick," she fought to keep the lump in her throat down. Even though her two undercover experiences had left Jennifer bitter about the efficiency, reliability and loyalty of any undercover squad, she knew it was those experiences that had undoubtedly bought she and Nick together. She knew that if they had not put their lives on the line not once but twice, she wouldn't be standing in a home in suburbia, happy with a husband she couldn't imagine living without. But she still thought they would never, ever return to undercover work, separately or together. She didn't know about Nick, but she was scarred for life from her time as Trish Claybourne.<br>"And I know you need something new Nick," she went on. "But undercover…that could postpone a family for a really long time. Time is already not on our side."  
>He nodded, knowing she was right. He knew it was a risk. He knew it could jeopardise everything they wanted together. But something still made him want to do it. He was sure that somehow, they could manage it.<p>

Through many dangers, toils and snares  
>I have already come<br>'Tis Grace that bought me safe thus far  
>And Grace will lead me home<p>

***  
>Jennifer knew he'd already made up his mind, even if he didn't say it out loud. It was hard to accept, but as they changed and got ready for bed, turning out lights and pulling back covers on the bed, she tried her best to be understanding. He was always there for her, and she always wanted to be there for him too.<br>As they settled down to sleep, Nick turned toward her in the darkness. He knew he had to reassure her. "Jen," he whispered quietly, reaching for her. She looked back at him, her eyes filled with uncertainty and worry, and her expression desperate for reassurance from him.  
>"Don't ever doubt my love for you," he whispered. He kissed her lightly on the mouth, feeling her delicate lips against his as they connected. "Or how much I want us to have a baby."<br>She managed a small smile upon hearing his guarantee and willingly kissed him back.  
>He too smiled. "Our family always comes first."<p>

Love you dearly I do  
>Love you dearly I do<br>You're the only one I see  
>You're the only one I see<br>And when I found you I found me


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14 The Apprentice  
>She looked barely over eighteen. Nick wondered how long she'd even been in the job. He looked over at Tony with eyebrows sky high. Was he kidding? He'd almost rather work with an unwilling and bitter Jennifer.<br>Tony held Nick's gaze. If they couldn't have Jennifer Buchanan then this was the next best thing. In fact, it could even work out better. And finally, he would have Nick out of his hair. He rushed through the introductions and bustled them both through the hallways of the drug squad offices and out into the foyer on the ground floor.  
>He pushed them both out of the lift and towards the revolving doors. Then he stepped back into the lift. He waved his hand at them flippantly, using the other to push the buttons on the lift panel. "Go on!" he insisted. "Just go and get to know each other. You're gonna be working under each others noses before too long." And with that he was gone.<br>Nick looked at her. He hadn't even caught her name properly – Tony had rushed through it all so fast. One moment he had been packing up for the day, eager to get home, and the next Tony was bellowing at him from across the office. "This is your apprentice," he'd said. "Your Jennifer. She's going to be your handbag."  
>She looked back at him uneasily. She smiled, but it was hesitant. God, she really did look barely out of school, Nick thought to himself.<br>"Want to go for a drink?" she eeked out. She may've been young, and she could tell he was thinking exactly that, but she wanted to do this job and she wanted to prove to them all that she was capable. And that meant getting started on the right foot.  
>Nick shook his head and her face dropped. "Love to, but I can't Sarah," he replied, slinging his coat over his other arm.<br>"It's Shay," she corrected.  
>Nick blushed. "Sorry," he almost winced. She might've been young but that was still rude of him, not even being able to remember her name. "My wife's picking me up, that's all. She's already waiting outside." He stuck his thumb out in the direction of the street, where he could see Jen had bought the car around. It was the first night in a while they'd been able to finish at the same time and had planned to drive home together. It was something so little, but it was something he'd been looking forward to all day – just a quiet moment alone with her.<br>Shay shrugged her shoulders. "It's ok," she replied. "Another time."  
>They walked out of the building and onto the sidewalk together and she turned left while he turned right. "See you tomorrow," she said quietly as she left him.<br>"See you tomorrow," he said in response. But she was already so far away he doubted she'd heard him. He climbed into the waiting car, Jennifer at the wheel.  
>Nick leaned over and kissed her passionately on the lips. Jen always came out of their kisses with a smile, because well, that was just what Nick's kisses did to her. She got butterflies every single time. "Who was that?" she asked as she pushed the gears into drive and wove back into the traffic.<br>"That was my new apprentice."


	15. Chapter 15

I hope people are still reading and enjoying this fic – there is certainly plenty more to go which I think you will all really like – but I won't know unless you take a few moments to leave a review, so please do! Reviews just make my day and really help me as a writer!

Chapter 15 Into the Never Never

Jennifer squeezed Nick's hand under the sheets as they laid in the darkness that night. She couldn't help but feel like this was crunch time for them – so much was happening, and she just wanted it all to go smoothly. But she was a worrier, and she knew that with one squeeze of his hand, Nick'd pick up on this.

"Should we really be doing this right now?" she whispered.

Nick looked over at her tenderly and squeezed her hand right back, enveloping it with his other hand as he turned onto his side to face her. He'd been stuck in briefings and test runs and preparation meetings for more than a week to be ready for his new undercover stint. He needed this to concentrate on occasionally. "Yes Jen." He was unfaltering in his answer.

"Is it really the right time?" she worried on.

"It'll be fine Jen," he whispered. "Don't worry. We'll just give it our best shot."

She nodded. "I want you to bring Shay over here," she changed the subject as she cuddled up to him. "I want to meet her properly." What Jen didn't say out loud was that she wanted to see her replacement – she wanted to size her up and make her own judgement, and only then would she make a decision as to how she felt about Nick going back undercover without her.

Nick nodded and placed his arm around her. He understood her concerns, even the ones she didn't voice out loud. He too was curious how he would go undercover with a different partner. He'd always worked with Jen. Working with Shay was going to be very different.

Their hands were gripped so tightly together that Jennifer's fingers were beginning to hurt. She looked over at Nick out of the corner of her eye and saw how nervous he was. And they hadn't even been into the consulting room yet.

He breathed hard sitting next to her and finally lifted his gaze off the floor and over to Jennifer's. "I love you," he whispered, just as the receptionist gave the discreet nod she'd promised she'd give when the doctor was ready for them. Jennifer beamed a relieved smile and leant her shoulder against his, resting her head near his ear for a moment before he leant in for a quick kiss. A second later they got up out of their chairs in unison and walked into what they hoped would be their future.

A million thoughts ran through Jennifer's mind that night. She almost felt like she had to physically hold herself back from getting too far ahead of herself. They still had to wait. Nothing was set in concrete yet. So as much as she wanted to open the spare room door again, she wouldn't let herself. She was terrified of jinxing their chances.

Matt had watched Jennifer all day and noticed immediately the way she barely left her desk…the way when she did she walked gingerly around the office….the way the expression on her glazed over face clearly indicated her mind was elsewhere. He frowned as she returned to her desk from the kitchen with a glass of water and sat down gratefully.

He silently rolled his swivel chair out from behind his own desk and over to hers. He leaned in quietly and rested his elbows on the small amount of space left on her desk and nudged her softly.

"You ok Jen?" he asked, concern all over his face.

She looked up blankly but Matt was relieved to see that even though she was looking a bit blank she could still muster a smile.

She dropped her head down a bit lower and Matt dropped his to join her. "I know it's silly," she admitted, blushing slightly. "But I'm glad I'm sergeant now – means I don't have to knock down doors and run after people so much you know?"

Matt nodded, even though he wasn't quite sure where she was going with this. "Perks of the hooks I guess," he replied. He lowered his voice, just getting an uncanny feeling that he had to. "It's not silly."

At last she blurted out her explanation for her peculiar behaviour the last few days. "We had our first attempt at IVF the other day Matt," she whispered, looking him square in the eye, sharing a secret that previously had not gone out of the Buchanan house hold. "And I worry that even coming to work at all is going to jeopardise this –" her hand hovered somewhere between the bottom of her rib cage and her lap even though so much of the process was happening in a petri dish that sat lonely in a lab somewhere and nowhere near where her hand hovered…yet. "So I'm so glad I can make the others go out and knock down the doors and run down the alleys." She let out a deep breath, one she'd been unaware she was even holding. She looked at Matt with a terrified expression.

He was ready with a reassuring smile. He made a grab for her hovering hand and held it tightly beneath the desk. Their grip brushed against both their knees – so close were they sitting – and Matt never let the smile leave his face. "That's not silly Jen," he whispered.

She smiled gratefully at him for a second then looked down at their joined hands, just peeking out from under the desk. The sight made her smile wider.

Smiling back, Matt went to retreat back to his desk, but before he could get very far, Jennifer reached out and grabbed for his knee and pulled him back towards her. "But please Matt," she begged. "Don't tell anyone."

He nodded, promising her. Nick and Matt were in fact the only two people Jennifer ever confided in, but she was very particular about what she divulged to each.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16 In Your Capable Hands

Jennifer had the tv on, but she was barely watching it. A few rooms away Nick was stepping out of the shower and getting dressed. Jennifer was nervous nervous nervous. Coupled with the nervousness she already felt waiting to find out if their IVF attempt would be successful and the thought of her husband going back undercover – without her, she almost felt ready to explode with the pressure in her life of late.

_Ding Dong_

Jennifer almost levitated off the couch. She stood up and smoothed out her pants and flattened her hair against her head, neatening it up for their visitor. She made her way to the front door and was met there by Nick, three steps ahead of her and already reaching for the handle with his left hand.

He smiled at her as he turned the knob at the same time as he reached for her hand with his right. Jennifer exhaled and felt her nerves immediately melt away just with one touch from her husband.

Still, she hung back as she held his hand, and let him open the door. In the early evening sun what seemed like a little girl stood on their front door step, looking as nervous as Jennifer felt. Nick wasted no time in standing aside and letting her in.

Shay stepped into the house at Nick's invitation and halted just inside the door. She hoped feverishly that Nick would get the ball rolling quickly. He did.

He pulled Jennifer into him and as their hip bones touched and his arm snaked around her back and settled on the spot where her jacket ended, he made their introductions.

"Shay, this is my wife Jen," he said with a proud smile. Shay obediently stuck out her hand and shook Jennifer's firmly, smiling pleasantly. "And Jen, this is Shay Baldwin."

"It's great to meet you Shay," Jennifer said warmly. She already felt at ease with the young woman just because of the way she presented herself. Polite, eager to please, ready with a smile. Jennifer beckoned her into the kitchen.

Later, as the three cops ate together they filled each other in on their life stories. Several times Nick caught Jen's eye and shared a smile with her, knowing that she was falling in love with Shay in exactly the same way he was. She was so up front and honest about her inexperience but heaped enough praise on the force and the Drug Squad and even Nick himself that the couple were ready to take her under their wing by the time the night was over.

As they cleared away their dishes from the table after their informal and relaxed meal, Shay spoke up timidly, wanting to be on the level with who she could tell were two wonderful people she wanted to learn from and gain the respect of. "I know I haven't been in the job long," she said as they stacked plates and glasses by the sink. "Heck, I've never even been out of uniform! But I know I'm ready for this. I know I can do it. Thanks for…giving me a go."

Nick and Jen smiled at Shay and when a little while later they all headed to the door to say goodnight to her, Shay and Jen hung back as Nick turned on the light by the front steps.

"I was worried about Nick going back undercover at first," Jen admitted quietly leaning in to Shay. "But now I know I'm leaving him in your capable hands…I feel a bit better." She smiled kindly at Shay, a sisters of war kind of connection now strong between them.

Shay wanted to burst. Instead she just nodded and smiled back at Jen. "Thanks Jen. I'll do my best to keep him out of tooooooo much trouble," she replied. She'd never worked undercover before, but she knew that they _would_ get into trouble, but she wanted to reassure and promise Jen that she'd try to keep a lid on it as much as possible, and bring Nick home safe to her each night.

As Nick and Jen saw Shay safely to her car and waved her goodbye, they both knew – Shay was the perfect partner for Nick's new mission. She was a complete blank slate, ready and waiting to have all the life experiences young adults – and even more so young coppers – needed. She would be exactly the kind of sidekick Nick required – a girl who looked just like any other girl you'd see hanging out with an older, dealing, drug baron. Shay had admitted during dinner that she'd never even been kissed until the previous year, and Jennifer and Nick both knew that because she was this green, she could delve right into the exercise flawlessly, not held back by past bad experiences or prejudices.

If Jen couldn't be Nick's partner on the street, the next best thing was Shay.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 There For You

"Sargeant Buchanan?" Stanley Wolfe called out into the office, loudly enough to be heard over the din of Duncan and Matt discussing the weekend's footy results and Allie and Rhys squabbling over whose turn it was to do the coffee run.

It had been some weeks since Nick and Jennifer had shared dinner with Shay, and the two had since started their undercover assignment, taking it slowly at first, not yet kicking out onto the streets and meeting the people they hoped to tempt in with their drug deals. But not so slowly that Jennifer had been able to successfully juggle her host of doctors appointments and trips to the fertility specialist's with Nick very well. It had been a whirlwind few weeks and Jennifer was nearing exhaustion, s feeling she had not expected so soon.

She lifted her head somewhat reluctantly and looked over at Stanley's open office door. He beckoned her in with a wave of his hand and a look down his nose from behind his glasses.

"Sarge?" she asked as she entered his small, dark office, it's walls covered in certificates and diplomas, degrees and photographs.

"Jennifer," he replied, closing his laptop and looking up at her. "Please, take a seat."

She sat nervously on the edge of the seat opposite her boss, wondering what could warrant an invitation into his office so randomly.

But then he smiled. "Are you and Sargeant Ryan enjoying working together?" he asked.

Jennifer breathed out a little sigh of relief and sat back more comfortably in the chair. "Oh!" she replied in surprise. It was not the question she'd been expecting. She nodded earnestly at him. "Yeah, we really are. It's just like old times." She smiled at him, knowing he knew what she meant. This small team had been through a lot together, and now had roots that went down very deep. Before she knew it she was being really honest with Stanley. "It's a nice distraction…having him back," she admitted.

Stanley nodded knowingly. Her mentor for so long now, he knew without her even mentioning that things had been trying at home of late. He found it almost funny how he seemed to so easily be able to recognise it in his young charges, but had never been able to recognise it in himself back when he and Linda had first hit the rocks. He smiled and adjusted his glasses ever so slightly. "I've noticed you two getting along pretty well," he informed her before turning back to his work. "It's good to see. I knew I made the right decision bringing Matt back here."

Jennifer hesitated for a moment, only just realising that Stanley had orchestrated at least part of Matt's return to Melbourne. She had him to thank for bringing back one of her best friends into her life.

She pushed the chair back in and smiled at her senior sergeant. "Thanks Sarge."

As she packed up her belongings that afternoon, Jennifer couldn't wait to get home. She cleared her desk of the clutter that had accumulated throughout the day and walked into the kitchen to rinse her water glass in the sink.

As she placed the glass in the dish drainer she heard someone walk up behind her and turned around to see Matt.

"Hey mate," she smiled warmly, despite her weariness. She could always muster strength for Matt. Not for many other people lately, but she could for Matt.

"Hey," he smiled just as largely in return, helping himself to a clean coffee mug from the cupboard above the sink.

They fell quiet after that, Matt unsure of how to ask what he wanted to, and Jennifer noticing he had something on his mind and waiting patiently for him to reveal it.

"Have you…" Matt began quietly. "…had any good news yet?"

She knew what he was getting at, and was touched that he would ask.

But she had to shake her head. "No," she replied. "But the process isn't over yet."

Matt nodded, knowing how serious and stressful the situation must've been for his friend. He admired how strong she seemed to be being in what was surely a testing time in her life.

"Well, let me know…?" he asked, wondering if that was an appropriate thing to say. What if she had to tell him bad news? That would be awful, and he felt his face get hot at the thought of having maybe put the thought into her head. "I mean, if you want…" he was stumbling now. "It's your business…you don't have to tell me anything about it, good or bad, whatever…" Far _out! _Matt thought to himself. Put your foot in it why don't ya! He shuddered inwardly with the embarrassment.

Jennifer smiled, understanding. She put her hand over his on the bench, not dissimilar to how he had done her over their chicken parms that night when he'd first returned to Homicide. "Thanks Matty," she said softly. "I will, don't worry."

Matt knew he would probably always love her, whether she was married to someone else or not, and it was this thought that made him manoeuvre his hand from underneath hers so that they were actually holding hands, the action happening in a heartbeat. He squeezed it and reached his other hand up to hold her cheek. His thumb brushed her soft skin there, back and forth, back and forth and for a moment neither said a word. "I'll always be there for you Jen," he said caringly. "Always." She almost collapsed under the feeling of relief and tilted her head a bit more into his hand at her cheek. "Even in the middle of the night ok?" he instructed her. "Anytime."

"Oh Matt," she whispered, feeling more than a bit emotional at that moment. She reached her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly, holding onto him for a long time, alone in the kitchen at Homicide. As she pulled away she placed a light kiss on his cheek. "Thankyou."

I know it's not much

But it's the best I can do


End file.
